Do you Want to be a Better Dad?
One of the first defining moments of my life was when I learnt I was to become a father, and no less defining for each recurrence of that moment! What a tumble of emotions from joy to excitement, trepidation and apprehension. It seemed my destiny to have a Son of whom I am so proud. It was with equal wonder, amazement and excitement to be blessed with a second Son of whom I am equally proud. Can you imagine my boundless sense of privilege to welcome a third Son to my family, to my pride, and into my heart?
So why did I need to drink?
Its true that such a position of privilege comes with a healthy dose of trepidation for the future, and not without some misgivings. For example, how was I going to be able to live up to my expectations for raising three wonderful sons.
But the stress that I felt from drinking too much became more of a problem than the stress of being a Dad.
I am naturally the type of person who puts pressure on myself to be the best I can. I fully expected to become one of those super dads. I reckon I can do everything. How hard can that be? Many years later, I have learnt a lot more about exactly how hard it is to be super at anything, let alone super at everything! But I have achieved a lot of learning, a lot of finding out about myself, and more importantly, learning to appreciate the journey that I am still on.
The Journey to become a Better Dad
One of the things that I did not do well early on, was to cope with the changes brought about in my life, by the introduction of another member of my family. I had my life, and I am sorry to admit, I had a relationship with alcohol. At first it was a bit of a squeeze trying to fit everyone in, because there was no way I was going to leave anyone out. Even drinking.
But with a bit of jostling around, we eventually worked out a way to co-habit. I would like to think that I found time to be the best possible Dad first, but I am not sure that my priorities were always in the right place.
After all, I liked to share my time with alcohol.
Well, by the time another member of the family was added to the equation (two boys – double trouble!), there was a genuine need for Mum and Dad to operate like a well oiled machine. As all busy parents would know, there is not much time left by the end of a busy day.
Yet I still liked to share my day with my unwelcome friend – alcohol.
At least I could always blame the additional stress as a reason for needing another drink, or two.
I could still do it all – after all I was a super Dad!
Too Busy to see the Alcohol Trap
I found there was a way I could be present for my boys, before and after work hours, I would keep them busy on weekends whenever possible, and I even managed to drop off and pick up from school on occasions. I also found that I could find time after the boys had gone to bed to “relax and unwind” with my increasingly unwelcome friend.
Yes – drinking alcohol had become my unwelcome friend.
As alluded to earlier, I can never understate the privilege I share with my wife in becoming a parent of our third beautiful boy. Double trouble now became known as “triple trouble!” The fun, excitement and noise in our household is not for the feint hearted. I fear what an uninitiated person might think upon entering our household unawares, but amidst chaos, there is a deep seated contentment. Our family was complete!
Except that I kept drinking.
At least I had a full blown excuse now, as we were leading exceedingly busy lives, virtually no time to stop and reflect, no time to stop and smell the roses, hell, there was no time for roses!
Something had to give.
I am still surprised at the lack of information regarding the subject of self help to stop drinking alcohol. I got lucky. My clever wife did some research. I was on a path to change.
“Take time to reflect on the positive
and work on becoming better.”
Take time to reflect
For most of us busy people in this crazy busy world, finding time to reflect and re-consider is not easy. But it is worthwhile! There is no time-frame around this one either – I can’t tell you how long it might take. But you will be a better Dad… And you might just have to delve a bit further back than you are comfortable with, and you might have to ask some hard questions. Please do – you are worth it!
I am not very good at spending time reflecting on myself, but I am very open to learning new things and accepting changes to my way of thinking, such as self help to stop drinking alcohol – so long as it doesn’t change too much all at once! I can honestly look back and say that I wasn’t very good at communicating with others. I may have seemed abrupt, which may have hurt other people’s feelings, and I was never very in touch with other people’s emotions and feelings. I am still not very good at talking to others, especially not to other men.
I am getting better at talking to my Dad
Once again, I was and am still privileged to have a close family. My grandfather was a truly great man, who earned respect from all who knew him. I only found out many years after his passing that my Dad and uncles looked up to him as a father figure, when he was actually their father-in-law. Such was his command of his own emotions, and clever demeanor, that he always made others seem like they were the most important person in his world at any given moment. At the same time, he was able to impart his unique sense of humor on us all, and to never get too carried away with the ego. And he did this through his own learning and experience, as I am pretty sure he didn’t have access to coaching on these matters.
And (although I was too young to ever be aware of it) he managed to avoid the alcohol trap through his own mindfulness and desire to be better… Maybe this is something I need to explore further in my journey!
Through his example, I have no doubt that my own fathering was greatly influenced and guided, and to this day, the greatest example of leadership, guidance and direction that I have experienced comes from my own Dad. I have no more superlatives – I have had the greatest example set for more me and now it is up to me to bring that example of how to be a better Dad into my own family.
I am so grateful that my Father was always there for me, and still is my best mate. I am thankful for the privilege of my place in this world, and I am grateful for the leadership examples that I have been witness too. I hope to be half as good a Dad as my Father was to me!
And the ultimate reflection for me is: It is time for me to step up.
Do you Want to be a Better Dad?
Whew – some of this stuff is heavy writing – but stick with me, because this is the purpose of making time to reflect. I warn you it not easy, but very fulfilling.
If your personal circumstances are different from my own, I am in no way wishing to be judgmental or threatening to your way of life. We are all different, and I do not expect any one else would have traveled the identical path as myself. If you did not grow up with a Father figure in your life, please take the time to reflect on someone who has provided influence, such as grandparents, uncles, sports coaches or school teachers. All of these people provide guidance on our journey through life, and even if you have never been inspired by greatness, you never know when the next great influential leader will cross your path.
This happened to me recently at work. I was involved in a poor work environment, and an inspirational leader was required to keep the team from disintegrating. A leader duly arrived, but I didn’t recognize him as a leader at first. You just need to be able to receive that nugget even when you least expect it, and be receptive and listen and learn from the experience when it does happen!
Be a Better Dad – Avoid the Alcohol Trap
Armed with this time of self reflection, I am pleased to say that I am traveling happily along the way of my personal journey. I am determined to be a better man. I am singled minded in my ambition to become the best possible father I can be. In my understanding, that means being real. It means being authentic and being present when my family needs me. It means putting my ego aside when others need to be heard. It might mean finding reasons to stop drinking alcohol.
Most importantly, I have to learn to give the young men in my life an opportunity to grow strong and make their own decisions, but not to endanger themselves or others. I need to help and guide, not do and push. I need to curb my own impatience, and to become more empathetic for others thoughts and feelings. I need to really be there for my family, and I need to leave my unwelcome friend behind – is it time to stop drinking alcohol?
Yes – it really is time to step up – and step out of the alcohol trap.
I need to be part of the change I want to see.
Time to step up and be a better Dad!
If we want our children to learn to be compassionate for others, to feel empathy for others, they need to learn it from us! The responsible, compassionate and empathetic adult who they respect and see as a role model. I want my kids to grow up to become empathetic and compassionate men who understand love, intimacy and respect for others. Men who know how to treat other people with tolerance and kindness.
The more I learn about myself, and with some amount of trepidation, I realize that my kids will naturally look up to me and the example I set. They will learn from my leadership ability, they will learn intimacy from me, and how to deal with relationships, and especially how I treat their Mother. If I don’t act appropriately, they will be confused as to which is appropriate for them. If they see me drinking alcohol, they will be validated to use the same behavior. I have no choice, the do nothing option is not an appropriate way to set an example, and they needed me to stop drinking alcohol. Otherwise there is a void that is confusing to kids who will go looking to validate their good or bad behavior on some other role model.
Be part of the change you want to see.
Time to step up and be a better Dad – avoid the alcohol trap!
If you would like to know more about my journey to becoming a better Dad, I sincerely hope you will get in touch and I am more than happy to swap stories, tips and hints about how to avoid the alcohol trap, and find some self help to stop drinking alcohol. The journey is more fun than the destination!
I wish you all the best,
Tony